Yup - I am a little screwed up

I was so proud when I didn't eat. I loved it that my jeans hung on hips. Although I have gained weight - I can still feel this today. It causes a stabbing pain in my heart. It physically causes me pain to know that I am NOT in that position right now. I had so much control then. I could go days without eating. I lived on Rockstar. LOVED IT. I hate to touch my body now. Now, I feel more responsiblity though. I have a 4 year old daughter. She watches my every move. She is very smart. I don't want an ANA life for her but I want it back for me BUT I want to be alive for her. But at the same time there are times that I want to die because I hate this body that I am in. Why can't get the control back? Somebody help get started again? I am so frustrated. I can't live like this.

I hate you (yes you that is writing this post)

I hate the way my body feels. I hate the way my skin feels. I hate the way breathe. I hate the fact that right now I am in fact breathing. I want to do things to my body to cause pain (cutting is actually quite a nice release). Cutting causes a temporary distraction from whatever non physical pain I feel - twisted but it makes sense. I love the way it feels to have something sharp feel against my skin - I would like for it to go deeper - but not yet. I am huge fat. I am a failure. I wish I could fade away. I want to fucking shave my head, pierce anything/everything on my body, tattoo fuck you across my head (okay - maybe not) - I am running again (but not enough). I am barely eating - but probably too much. I hate you Ana - but I love you Ana. I want to sleep and never wake up. I am miserable and this will never go away. EVER. THIS IS MY FUTURE. THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS IT. I want to cut my skin off. ALL OF IT.