Dreadmill or Pavement (and why I am a special kind of stupid)

First, let me say that I love Target. I love, love, LOVE Target. I go to Target for something very simple (trash bags) and come out with a new shower curtain, lamps, some Target brand cleaning products and a cart full of other stuff that I was lured into purchasing. For months and months I have been wanting a GPS watch that has several functions - mainly the GPS and the ability to pace my runs so I can run outside. I CLEARLY suck at trying to run outside. I can't keep my pace for anything. That is why I run on the dreadmill - not because I like it - only because I can pace myself. I hate the dreadmill. I loathe it. But the GPS watches I mentioned cost a pretty penny - actually several pretty pennies. They typically cost around $120.00 but there are several different brands. So, there is some variety with cost. I have not explored all of the brands. FYI - I have known to be a bit naive and hopeful. Today, I decided to explore the different types at Target. Well, I found a couple I would love to have (although I REALLY want the pink Garmin forerunner). I found a New Balance GPS watch with all of the features I wanted. It was hanging below a price listing 19.99. I snatched that lil sucker up as quickly as I could. I did not ask any questions. I did not look twice. I actually did not even question the possibility that this could be incorrect. I was in my own little happy world. So, I walked quickly with my clearance zebra flats (7.98 and so cute) and my 19.99 GPS watch to the cashier. "Beep" went the scanner and I happened to look up at the register (which I NEVER do - I NEVER pay attention to prices) and it was 99.99. I stood there frozen and feeling like a special kind of stupid. I did not really want to say I thought that was 19.99 but I did anyway. DUH!!! The cashier asked if I wanted somebody to check and see if it was on sale. I laughed out loud and politely declined. I told her that I was just hopeful and that I would just take my 7.98 shoes and go on my happy way. UGGG. I hate when things have been placed on the wrong shelf or placed in an area where it causes price confusion. I will admit though - I am a dumbass for that one. I was more sad than anything. I was so hopeful and excited. Does make me laugh.

Anyway, I continue on my quest with the couch to 5k running program. Today, I was not motivated to do anything but sleep. I woke up at 3am with a migraine. One thing led to another and I just did not make it to the gym. Around 1:30 I made the decision I was going to try running (the couch to 5k program) outside. First, two huge steps for me (running outside) and deciding to do anything requiring energy when I had already made the decision to remain inactive for the day. I have it in my head that when I complete my first 5k it will be under 30 min (29 min is fine). Today, I did a mile and half in 23 min (If I could keep up that pace it would be a 15 min mile which would put me right around that goal). Keep in mind I was walking/running. THAT made me feel like this entire couch to 5k program might actually work and I might actually complete a 5k one day. All of that felt pretty good. I am actually kind of liking this!!! I have so much more energy and feel so much better after I am a little more active.

Then since I am trying to incorporate "clean eating" into our eating plan I made an amazing dinner - which EVERYBODY actually enjoyed. The best part is everybody ate vegetables and did not complain. I am loving this!!

So, my goal for tomorrow is to continue with the couch to 5k program and weights for sure. I am not sure what else but I am getting my booty off the couch and that is better than what I was doing last month!!!

Could this be the begining of a love affair?

A few statements that I firmly believe to be true.

**You need to fall in love with the gym**.

**Fake it til you make it, you get your ass sweating until that statement is true**.

**Don't think about the amount of weight you want to lose, or how hard it seems**.

**Focus on the next 10 pounds**.

The one statement that I loathe is "you need to fall in love with the gym". I have NEVER, EVER, let me repeat EVER - loved the gym. In fact - I hate it and can find any excuse to avoid going. Some excuses have been so lame - I refuse to even repeat them. Maybe one day for entertainment purposes I will repeat them. But for now, let us focus on my hatred for the gym. Today, I tried to avoid going (again) but finally just literally turned my car around and went. I intended to walk/run for 30 min - but I decided to walk for 30 min and that turned into 45 and then I used a machine called the NuStep (like an eleptical machine but you actually sit) and pounded out some steps. I don't usually sweat/sparkle at the gym. But today - I did. And - wait for it - I actually enjoyed it. I. Enjoyed. The. Gym. I am planning to go back tomorrow and am kind of excited. Now, this could pass - I pray that it doesn't. In all seriousness - I PRAY that it doesn't pass. I need to fall in love with the gym. I have tracked my food intake today and I need to take in more calories - but I am not hungry and the anorexic mind tells me not to eat (of course). Constant battle. BUT for tonight - I am going to enjoy the fact I enjoyed the gym. (although my inner dialouge is telling me all kinds of negative shit). I have lost 118 pounds - what is 45 in the grand scheme of that?

Cha . . .Cha . . Cha . Chia Seeds!!

If you have not heard about the chia seed craze - you are missing out. The little seeds are well - tasteless. BUT I add them to everything and they expand in your stomach and keep you full for a really long time. My favorite thing is to add them to peanut butter (of some type) with a vanilla greek yogurt, a little bit of honey and eat it with apples! Yummo!!! And this peanut butter with coconut oil is HEAVEN!!! Stirring it is like a workout in itself but so worth it!!!

It is low in sugar (I believe under 4g)and with the seeds and apple it is so filling. It is also really good on a bagel thin (100 cal). Perfect breakfast or pre-workout or post-workout snack!

All or nothing . . .weight loss - are you in????

I am such an all or nothing person - in every aspect of my life. I need to re-lose 40 to 50 pounds that I gained after the whole anorexia intervention thing. This time I am going to attempt to do it healthy. I am so tired of weight loss occupying my mind nearly 100% of the time. You know what I mean? If you are still reading this – then you probably do. Weight loss thoughts start in the morning – typically in the shower – yuck – the naked body, then usually weighing (if I decide to punish myself), then getting dressed (yep – here comes a yelling, throwing clothes around the house, screaming, sweating fit), then throughout the day there are issues with food, comparison with others, thinking about diets, clothing clinging to your body, feeling insecure, wishing you had lost weight, wondering how you could lose weight, feeling guilty, eating, feeling even more guilty, feeling ugly, thinking about dieting even more, being tired, NOT feeling like working out, blah, blah, blah . . . Sound familiar? That is a typical day – ONE DAY. Exhausting. I am tired of it. No more of this shit.

So, what has worked in the past is letting my OCD kick in - by using every compulsive bone in my body. I write down everything that goes in my body, I blog everything, I take a picture of myself every single day, and now I have youtube and keek. I need accountability. I am also celeb crazy – yes – it is like I am 13 years old – but it works. I set daily goals. I set weekly goals . I typically blog about it all. Aren’t y’all lucky? What works for you?

Yup - I am a little screwed up

I was so proud when I didn't eat. I loved it that my jeans hung on hips. Although I have gained weight - I can still feel this today. It causes a stabbing pain in my heart. It physically causes me pain to know that I am NOT in that position right now. I had so much control then. I could go days without eating. I lived on Rockstar. LOVED IT. I hate to touch my body now. Now, I feel more responsiblity though. I have a 4 year old daughter. She watches my every move. She is very smart. I don't want an ANA life for her but I want it back for me BUT I want to be alive for her. But at the same time there are times that I want to die because I hate this body that I am in. Why can't get the control back? Somebody help get started again? I am so frustrated. I can't live like this.

I hate you (yes you that is writing this post)

I hate the way my body feels. I hate the way my skin feels. I hate the way breathe. I hate the fact that right now I am in fact breathing. I want to do things to my body to cause pain (cutting is actually quite a nice release). Cutting causes a temporary distraction from whatever non physical pain I feel - twisted but it makes sense. I love the way it feels to have something sharp feel against my skin - I would like for it to go deeper - but not yet. I am huge fat. I am a failure. I wish I could fade away. I want to fucking shave my head, pierce anything/everything on my body, tattoo fuck you across my head (okay - maybe not) - I am running again (but not enough). I am barely eating - but probably too much. I hate you Ana - but I love you Ana. I want to sleep and never wake up. I am miserable and this will never go away. EVER. THIS IS MY FUTURE. THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS IT. I want to cut my skin off. ALL OF IT.