All or nothing . . .weight loss - are you in????

I am such an all or nothing person - in every aspect of my life. I need to re-lose 40 to 50 pounds that I gained after the whole anorexia intervention thing. This time I am going to attempt to do it healthy. I am so tired of weight loss occupying my mind nearly 100% of the time. You know what I mean? If you are still reading this – then you probably do. Weight loss thoughts start in the morning – typically in the shower – yuck – the naked body, then usually weighing (if I decide to punish myself), then getting dressed (yep – here comes a yelling, throwing clothes around the house, screaming, sweating fit), then throughout the day there are issues with food, comparison with others, thinking about diets, clothing clinging to your body, feeling insecure, wishing you had lost weight, wondering how you could lose weight, feeling guilty, eating, feeling even more guilty, feeling ugly, thinking about dieting even more, being tired, NOT feeling like working out, blah, blah, blah . . . Sound familiar? That is a typical day – ONE DAY. Exhausting. I am tired of it. No more of this shit.

So, what has worked in the past is letting my OCD kick in - by using every compulsive bone in my body. I write down everything that goes in my body, I blog everything, I take a picture of myself every single day, and now I have youtube and keek. I need accountability. I am also celeb crazy – yes – it is like I am 13 years old – but it works. I set daily goals. I set weekly goals . I typically blog about it all. Aren’t y’all lucky? What works for you?

I found the weight I lost . . .

In 2008 I lost 118 pounds. All. By. Myself. Yup. Started out with Weight Watchers. Then it blossomed into full blown anorexia. Complete with major hair loss, intervention, and forced therapy. Now I am "healthy". Lord, how I hate the word "healthy". To me "healthy" translates to fat. I have anorexia nostalgia. I miss it, I crave it, I especially miss the discipline. So, in my healthiness I have gained 30 pounds (probably more but for now lets call it 30). I will say that I am not happy that I have gained 30 pounds but I will also say that I am VERY happy that I have NOT gained 118 pounds back. This is brave (and hard for me) but I will share some pictures so you can get an idea of where I started, one unhealthy picture, one decent weight loss picture (actually pretty healthy)and then one where you can see the hair loss and a current picture. OUCH - this is hard. I used several tools to lose the weight. Weight watchers, writing down everythig that went in my mouth, then it went to Rockstar energy drinks and everything went to hell in a high priced handbag. I lost the 118 pounds in about 9 months. I also did a project called "project 365". I took a picture of myself everyday for 365 days - good days, bad days. Yup - everyday. Funny story - I wanted them in an album so I could see how far I had come. I went to Wal-Mart to pick up the photos. The guy saw me and immediately went to the get the photos. I asked "don't you need to know my name?" and he looked so annoyed and said "no, I've been seeing pictures of you for the last couple of hours and I recognized you". I left thinking that guy must think must think I must be so vain!!! I laughed so hard. Anyway, then on the 15th on the month I had my husband take a series of 3 pictures of me (wearing a tank top and shorts). One from the front, one from the side and one the back. It was a nice motivator - especially when I felt like I wasn't making any progress. I don't plan to go all the weigh (wow - that was a slip) - all the WAY - to the extremes that I did but I am going to use this blog as an accountability tool and tracking tool. I will try to include some of the tools that I am using, exercise (when I do) - hey I am an honest chic and recipes (this girl LOVES to cook) and anything else that needs to be shared. Also, I will tell you some of my favorite blogs that I find to be amazeballs - there are a couple that are tragic and hysterical at the same time. Some just make you want to be prettier and lets face some make you plan to be a better parent, redecorate you house, create a budget and do all kids of crap that you probably won't get around to doing but you have the best intentions. So if are you ready for some fat camp pics - grab some cheetos and get comfy:

Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving 2008 - same chair

Feb 2009 - Hair Loss

RECENT

So, this is my brave start back to losing that ummm . . . 30 pounds (okay, okay - I said maybe more). We will just see how that goes. I want to lose 40 or so. So - lets us see what I can accomplish. If there is something you want me to add or have questions - email me (follow my blog) or comment.


Oh and with this blog you will also, you will be forced to see my family stuff cause I can't handle two blogs.

Before and After (kitchen remodel photos)

So, my first post this blog in part was about my adventure with my kitchen cabinets. My husband was on a military assignment and I was going to tackle the kitchen remodel by myself. So I am going to post the pictures.

BEFORE Check out the ultra sexy green formica cabinet tops from 1996 - looks more like 1977 to me.

AFTER Not to shabby for a chic who doesn't always know the difference between the types of screen drivers and now (thanks to Handy Manny) calls then Turner (flat head) and Phillipe (Phillips) and I can usually get it right. My point - I don't do manly work.

I need to redecorate the top of the cabinets. If you look closely at everything - it might appear to some that I am trying to convert you to a particular religion or baptize you in my kitchen sink.

Then I am going to look like I have been a great mom and post pics from over the summer and a little detail about what we have done. That is because I have slacked - because my little creature has worn my ass out!! We have had fun and that is the important part. So, I have remembered to write the date and event as a draft and am going to fill in the blanks later. Ya'll - I have been trying for 30 years to get my -ummmm - stuff together and have come to conclusion it just isn't going to happen and I need to learn to deal with the best I can. And so it is.

What a week . . .

My husband left this week for a 70 day military assignment. We have done longer assignments so I can handle 70 days but I am not working now and at home with our 5 year old daughter, Carly Rhea. She goes to school two half days. BUT she is a handful (stubborn, strong willed, independent,). She is her mother!! I have at least 25 different projects going on at one time in our house. That number is not really exaggerated. I bought paint at Wal-Mart and put it in the laundry room. The next day (when I went to begin the project) I found the paint can hadn't been sealed properly and I had a bag full of pain and paint all over the floor. Back to Wal-Mart we go. I don't know about you but I am not the type of girl who can go to Wal-Mart and return an item and NOT end up buying other things. Anyway, I painted our laundry right after I dropped Chris off at the airport. Carly Rhea wanted to help - so I let her. I then had to re-do those areas. But she had fun and I am all about letting her make memories and have fun. I needed to fix the shelving in Carly Rhea's room but can't do that alone - project on hold. Bathroom needs to be painted but I can't find a color I like and I don't want to settle. I want a slate blue color (I welcome ideas). And I am redoing our kitchen all.by.myself. That is right. I will post before pictures and hopefully I will be successfull and will post after photos. So, I attempted to work on the kitchen today. Carly Rhea wanted me to jump on trampoline. I jumped for a while - that is something that is truly meant for children. Then she wanted to wash the car (something she has never done before). So, we washed the car. SO MUCH FUN. Then she asked me if I would play in the mud with her. I guess I hesitated because she said "it would mean so much to me". Suddenly, organizing my kitchen, touching up the paint in the laundry room, working on the kitchen, cleaning etc did not seem as important. Carly doesn't care if I can make crafty things from Pinterest and would not notice the things I mentioned above. So, I played in the mud. And now I have a HUGE mess on the floor and shower to clean up but Carly has thanked me at least ten times and has said "that was so much fun". The rest can wait. So instead of a picture of the kitchen - please enjoy the madness of the mud!

It seems like just yesterday your Dad and I were in the basement on a normal Sunday evening. Watching Desperate Housewives, eating dinner (your Dad had grilled steak - WOW - your Dad can grill) and I started feeling these strange pains. They were not too intense so at first I really did not think that much about it. The first pain came and went. Then another. Then another. I did not say anything to your Dad at first because I had made many, many, MANY trips to labor and delivery (only after your arrived to find out it was my gall bladder - everybody thought I was crazy) and I was not about to make another trip if one was not necessary. So, I looked at the clock and the pains were coming about every six minutes. Hmmmmm, interesting. Being the very obsessed planner one would think that I would have had a bag packed with everything for you and everything for me This was the case because YOU were not expected to arrive until around May 15th. I finally told your Dad that I was having pain and that the pain was coming about every six minutes. About 19 hours later -I was able to hold you in my arms and I wispered to you "I have waited my entire life for you". I meant every word of that. THAT truly seems like yesterday. Only, it wasn't. It was five years ago. Where has the time gone? You have grown into a very independent, strong willed, confident little lady. I am told you are my clone. Watch out world. I am very proud to call you my daughter.


When you were a year old your favorite thing was discovery. You were so curious. You loved to take baths and I would sing every single time (to the tune of Take me out the ballgame. You would clap and laugh so hard when I was done.

Take me out of the bathtub
Take me out of the suds.
I've been here soaking since half past two
I feel so sudsy and wrinkl-y too.
Oh, I washed all over my body
My head my toes, in between
I used one, two, three bars of soap
Take me out......I'm clean!

Take me out of the bathtub
I'm stuck here with my toys.
Dumptrucks and squirters I think are great,
But I better take off my ro-o-ler skates.
'Cause each time I get up I wob-ble
I hold on, but it is a pain...
I tried once, twice, three times to stand
Better get a crane!

BATH TIME

FIRST BIRTHDAY

When you were two years old Mickey Mouse (or as you called him Mickey House) was your entire world. You loved everything about "Mickey House". You already had a wide vocabulary and most of the time you very easy to understand. You flew for the first time (to see Daddy in VA). We went to the zoo and you brused donkeys (you called them "gonkeys") and you told EVERYBODY about that. If you wanted somebody to get up you would say "gup". I could go on and on (but that is in photo albums and baby books).

SECOND BIRTHDAY

You never had the "terrible two's". I was so proud. Then, on your third birthday. You woke up and I said "who is this child?". WOW. Things seemed to change overnight. You became a wee bit more difficult. You loved everything princess related. You loved clothes, shoes, dress up, painting your nails and art. Three was a very, very fun age!!!!

THIRD BIRTHDAY

When you turned four, it seemed pretty obvious that you had left the toddler stage and were becoming a little girl. This was hard to watch but fun at the same time because we could have conversations about your day. You talk constantly (I mean that literally - you never stop talking). You ask questions constantly!!!

FOURTH BIRTHDAY

At five some of your favorite things are strawberries,creating your own dance routines, learning to jump in the pool without holding your nose and "going into the deep end". Girl, you have sassiness but you have such a kind heart. You remember to pray for those that you love and random people that we barely know but have touched your heart somehow. At dinner you always say the prayer (God Bless the Moutains,God Bless the Sea, God Bless the Food We Eat, and God Bless Me)and we always do our "Peak and Pit" of the day. Your peak is almost always about being with your family. You never let us forget to pray and do our peak and pit.

FIFTH BIRTHDAY

Yup - I am a little screwed up

I was so proud when I didn't eat. I loved it that my jeans hung on hips. Although I have gained weight - I can still feel this today. It causes a stabbing pain in my heart. It physically causes me pain to know that I am NOT in that position right now. I had so much control then. I could go days without eating. I lived on Rockstar. LOVED IT. I hate to touch my body now. Now, I feel more responsiblity though. I have a 4 year old daughter. She watches my every move. She is very smart. I don't want an ANA life for her but I want it back for me BUT I want to be alive for her. But at the same time there are times that I want to die because I hate this body that I am in. Why can't get the control back? Somebody help get started again? I am so frustrated. I can't live like this.

Welcome back Ana

I am a filthy nasty person. How I lost sight of the big picture agaim is beyond me but I have. Why must I do this shit... so much easier to try to aintain. What an idiot. Today I have had 20 calories so far and it is 11am. Rockstar energy drink saves my life ...Today - I get cutters - so much pain and frustration (over nothing really) and no outlet. My only control .... The onl thing I have control over is not putting food in my mouth and dragging something sharp over my skin to cause pain. If I feel PHYSICAL PAIN even for a second I don't feel as much emotional pain during that moment. It's a distraction. I'm crawling out of my skin. Going crazy. Want to peel my fat off DON'T TELL ME I LOOK HEALTHY! That means fat. Thanks to a new phone I can have proana and thinspo with me 247. Lunch time is now consumed with it. I think I can back on track.