Welcome back Ana

I am a filthy nasty person. How I lost sight of the big picture agaim is beyond me but I have. Why must I do this shit... so much easier to try to aintain. What an idiot. Today I have had 20 calories so far and it is 11am. Rockstar energy drink saves my life ...Today - I get cutters - so much pain and frustration (over nothing really) and no outlet. My only control .... The onl thing I have control over is not putting food in my mouth and dragging something sharp over my skin to cause pain. If I feel PHYSICAL PAIN even for a second I don't feel as much emotional pain during that moment. It's a distraction. I'm crawling out of my skin. Going crazy. Want to peel my fat off DON'T TELL ME I LOOK HEALTHY! That means fat. Thanks to a new phone I can have proana and thinspo with me 247. Lunch time is now consumed with it. I think I can back on track.

I hate you (yes you that is writing this post)

I hate the way my body feels. I hate the way my skin feels. I hate the way breathe. I hate the fact that right now I am in fact breathing. I want to do things to my body to cause pain (cutting is actually quite a nice release). Cutting causes a temporary distraction from whatever non physical pain I feel - twisted but it makes sense. I love the way it feels to have something sharp feel against my skin - I would like for it to go deeper - but not yet. I am huge fat. I am a failure. I wish I could fade away. I want to fucking shave my head, pierce anything/everything on my body, tattoo fuck you across my head (okay - maybe not) - I am running again (but not enough). I am barely eating - but probably too much. I hate you Ana - but I love you Ana. I want to sleep and never wake up. I am miserable and this will never go away. EVER. THIS IS MY FUTURE. THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS IT. I want to cut my skin off. ALL OF IT.