OCD

This post is going to be all over the place. Can't say I didn't warn you. I'm going to start by saying that I am not a morning person. Combine that with I have two small inside dogs. One of which I inherited. He is a schnoodle. His name is Louie. It is a love/hate relationship. Thank God I sleep in socks. This morning I stepped in a pile of his shit. Thank God we also have hardwood floors. I should have known then that my day was going to be . . . shitty (pun intended).

I have only lost about 3 pounds this week. I know, I know "only 3 pounds". But from a previously anorexic mind - this is a bad, bad thing. THIS is where it starts. It should be 3.5 or 3.8!!! I have worked out every single day. I have logged every single thing I have eaten. Logging every thing I have eaten is turning out not to be such a good idea. I am obsessing about that as well.

While we are on the topic of obsession - I have OCD. Let me tell you - sometimes OCD is a blessing and sometimes it is a curse. This week it has been a curse in several ways. For instance, I have misplaced a bondiband running headband. It is white with bright pink letters that say "I thought they said rum". I like to wear it when I run outside. I can't find it anywhere. I have looked everywhere. I wish I could be like a normal person and just wait until it turned up someplace. NOPE. Instead, I am up at 2:30am looking in the strangest places and getting more and more frustrated because I can't find it. It is literally eating away at me because I can't figure out where it could be. And I HATE (with a passion) when somebody asks "where was the last place you had it". REALLY? If I knew that I would most likely know there flipping headband was. OCD sucks right now.

My closet. I have NO closet space. NONE. But I also have no clothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Really. I am not one of those people who will say I have nothing to wear and really have like a closet full of clothing. I really don't have clothing. I have such a screwed up relationship with my body and food and eating and LIFE that I can't keep clothes in my closet that fit. I am such a fuck up!!! Oh, but I have some really cute shoes. THAT MATTERS. But today, I started to oragnize it and the organizing system collapsed. NICE. Well played universe. Well played.

Then I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Nuff Said.

Back at home. Began looking for the damn headband. Couldn't find it. OCD still sucks.

I am anxious tonight. I have that fight or flight feeling again. I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't want to deal with my closet because I don't want to look at the clothes that used to fit and don't. I don't want to think about only having lost 3 pounds this weeks (and having worked my ass off). Seriously. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. I want a job. But I want new clothes. I don't want new clothes until I lose weight. I can't lose weight fast enough. OMG. I wish I could turn my brain off. Any ideas? Pot isn't legal. Damnit!!!

Dreadmill or Pavement (and why I am a special kind of stupid)

First, let me say that I love Target. I love, love, LOVE Target. I go to Target for something very simple (trash bags) and come out with a new shower curtain, lamps, some Target brand cleaning products and a cart full of other stuff that I was lured into purchasing. For months and months I have been wanting a GPS watch that has several functions - mainly the GPS and the ability to pace my runs so I can run outside. I CLEARLY suck at trying to run outside. I can't keep my pace for anything. That is why I run on the dreadmill - not because I like it - only because I can pace myself. I hate the dreadmill. I loathe it. But the GPS watches I mentioned cost a pretty penny - actually several pretty pennies. They typically cost around $120.00 but there are several different brands. So, there is some variety with cost. I have not explored all of the brands. FYI - I have known to be a bit naive and hopeful. Today, I decided to explore the different types at Target. Well, I found a couple I would love to have (although I REALLY want the pink Garmin forerunner). I found a New Balance GPS watch with all of the features I wanted. It was hanging below a price listing 19.99. I snatched that lil sucker up as quickly as I could. I did not ask any questions. I did not look twice. I actually did not even question the possibility that this could be incorrect. I was in my own little happy world. So, I walked quickly with my clearance zebra flats (7.98 and so cute) and my 19.99 GPS watch to the cashier. "Beep" went the scanner and I happened to look up at the register (which I NEVER do - I NEVER pay attention to prices) and it was 99.99. I stood there frozen and feeling like a special kind of stupid. I did not really want to say I thought that was 19.99 but I did anyway. DUH!!! The cashier asked if I wanted somebody to check and see if it was on sale. I laughed out loud and politely declined. I told her that I was just hopeful and that I would just take my 7.98 shoes and go on my happy way. UGGG. I hate when things have been placed on the wrong shelf or placed in an area where it causes price confusion. I will admit though - I am a dumbass for that one. I was more sad than anything. I was so hopeful and excited. Does make me laugh.

Anyway, I continue on my quest with the couch to 5k running program. Today, I was not motivated to do anything but sleep. I woke up at 3am with a migraine. One thing led to another and I just did not make it to the gym. Around 1:30 I made the decision I was going to try running (the couch to 5k program) outside. First, two huge steps for me (running outside) and deciding to do anything requiring energy when I had already made the decision to remain inactive for the day. I have it in my head that when I complete my first 5k it will be under 30 min (29 min is fine). Today, I did a mile and half in 23 min (If I could keep up that pace it would be a 15 min mile which would put me right around that goal). Keep in mind I was walking/running. THAT made me feel like this entire couch to 5k program might actually work and I might actually complete a 5k one day. All of that felt pretty good. I am actually kind of liking this!!! I have so much more energy and feel so much better after I am a little more active.

Then since I am trying to incorporate "clean eating" into our eating plan I made an amazing dinner - which EVERYBODY actually enjoyed. The best part is everybody ate vegetables and did not complain. I am loving this!!

So, my goal for tomorrow is to continue with the couch to 5k program and weights for sure. I am not sure what else but I am getting my booty off the couch and that is better than what I was doing last month!!!

Could this be the begining of a love affair?

A few statements that I firmly believe to be true.

**You need to fall in love with the gym**.

**Fake it til you make it, you get your ass sweating until that statement is true**.

**Don't think about the amount of weight you want to lose, or how hard it seems**.

**Focus on the next 10 pounds**.

The one statement that I loathe is "you need to fall in love with the gym". I have NEVER, EVER, let me repeat EVER - loved the gym. In fact - I hate it and can find any excuse to avoid going. Some excuses have been so lame - I refuse to even repeat them. Maybe one day for entertainment purposes I will repeat them. But for now, let us focus on my hatred for the gym. Today, I tried to avoid going (again) but finally just literally turned my car around and went. I intended to walk/run for 30 min - but I decided to walk for 30 min and that turned into 45 and then I used a machine called the NuStep (like an eleptical machine but you actually sit) and pounded out some steps. I don't usually sweat/sparkle at the gym. But today - I did. And - wait for it - I actually enjoyed it. I. Enjoyed. The. Gym. I am planning to go back tomorrow and am kind of excited. Now, this could pass - I pray that it doesn't. In all seriousness - I PRAY that it doesn't pass. I need to fall in love with the gym. I have tracked my food intake today and I need to take in more calories - but I am not hungry and the anorexic mind tells me not to eat (of course). Constant battle. BUT for tonight - I am going to enjoy the fact I enjoyed the gym. (although my inner dialouge is telling me all kinds of negative shit). I have lost 118 pounds - what is 45 in the grand scheme of that?

Little Red Bracelet

It's "food" for thought! What my red bracelet represents can be described as a self-nurturing attachment. It has a deeper meaning (maybe an addiction). One that I still crave. I have Ana nostalgia overload. Some days I am just not strong enough to do it and that makes me want to walk in front of a bus (not really). The days I am "Ana" - I can control the world. When I wear my little red bracelet - I feel powerful and when I see others with a red bracelet and I feel their pain and struggle. When I see blue I know that is for "Mia" (bulmia that is) and I understand as well. It is some strange fucked up sisterhood.

This is my old bracelet (not my favorite because the color wasn't the true red).

And the dragonfly also has significant meaning as well and so I have a dragonfly tattoo - I literally carry "Ana" with me everywhere I go. (it was healing)

The other tattoo - each leaf represented ten pounds that I had lost (at that time) and my daughters name.

Cha . . .Cha . . Cha . Chia Seeds!!

If you have not heard about the chia seed craze - you are missing out. The little seeds are well - tasteless. BUT I add them to everything and they expand in your stomach and keep you full for a really long time. My favorite thing is to add them to peanut butter (of some type) with a vanilla greek yogurt, a little bit of honey and eat it with apples! Yummo!!! And this peanut butter with coconut oil is HEAVEN!!! Stirring it is like a workout in itself but so worth it!!!

It is low in sugar (I believe under 4g)and with the seeds and apple it is so filling. It is also really good on a bagel thin (100 cal). Perfect breakfast or pre-workout or post-workout snack!

All or nothing . . .weight loss - are you in????

I am such an all or nothing person - in every aspect of my life. I need to re-lose 40 to 50 pounds that I gained after the whole anorexia intervention thing. This time I am going to attempt to do it healthy. I am so tired of weight loss occupying my mind nearly 100% of the time. You know what I mean? If you are still reading this – then you probably do. Weight loss thoughts start in the morning – typically in the shower – yuck – the naked body, then usually weighing (if I decide to punish myself), then getting dressed (yep – here comes a yelling, throwing clothes around the house, screaming, sweating fit), then throughout the day there are issues with food, comparison with others, thinking about diets, clothing clinging to your body, feeling insecure, wishing you had lost weight, wondering how you could lose weight, feeling guilty, eating, feeling even more guilty, feeling ugly, thinking about dieting even more, being tired, NOT feeling like working out, blah, blah, blah . . . Sound familiar? That is a typical day – ONE DAY. Exhausting. I am tired of it. No more of this shit.

So, what has worked in the past is letting my OCD kick in - by using every compulsive bone in my body. I write down everything that goes in my body, I blog everything, I take a picture of myself every single day, and now I have youtube and keek. I need accountability. I am also celeb crazy – yes – it is like I am 13 years old – but it works. I set daily goals. I set weekly goals . I typically blog about it all. Aren’t y’all lucky? What works for you?

I found the weight I lost . . .

In 2008 I lost 118 pounds. All. By. Myself. Yup. Started out with Weight Watchers. Then it blossomed into full blown anorexia. Complete with major hair loss, intervention, and forced therapy. Now I am "healthy". Lord, how I hate the word "healthy". To me "healthy" translates to fat. I have anorexia nostalgia. I miss it, I crave it, I especially miss the discipline. So, in my healthiness I have gained 30 pounds (probably more but for now lets call it 30). I will say that I am not happy that I have gained 30 pounds but I will also say that I am VERY happy that I have NOT gained 118 pounds back. This is brave (and hard for me) but I will share some pictures so you can get an idea of where I started, one unhealthy picture, one decent weight loss picture (actually pretty healthy)and then one where you can see the hair loss and a current picture. OUCH - this is hard. I used several tools to lose the weight. Weight watchers, writing down everythig that went in my mouth, then it went to Rockstar energy drinks and everything went to hell in a high priced handbag. I lost the 118 pounds in about 9 months. I also did a project called "project 365". I took a picture of myself everyday for 365 days - good days, bad days. Yup - everyday. Funny story - I wanted them in an album so I could see how far I had come. I went to Wal-Mart to pick up the photos. The guy saw me and immediately went to the get the photos. I asked "don't you need to know my name?" and he looked so annoyed and said "no, I've been seeing pictures of you for the last couple of hours and I recognized you". I left thinking that guy must think must think I must be so vain!!! I laughed so hard. Anyway, then on the 15th on the month I had my husband take a series of 3 pictures of me (wearing a tank top and shorts). One from the front, one from the side and one the back. It was a nice motivator - especially when I felt like I wasn't making any progress. I don't plan to go all the weigh (wow - that was a slip) - all the WAY - to the extremes that I did but I am going to use this blog as an accountability tool and tracking tool. I will try to include some of the tools that I am using, exercise (when I do) - hey I am an honest chic and recipes (this girl LOVES to cook) and anything else that needs to be shared. Also, I will tell you some of my favorite blogs that I find to be amazeballs - there are a couple that are tragic and hysterical at the same time. Some just make you want to be prettier and lets face some make you plan to be a better parent, redecorate you house, create a budget and do all kids of crap that you probably won't get around to doing but you have the best intentions. So if are you ready for some fat camp pics - grab some cheetos and get comfy:

Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving 2008 - same chair

Feb 2009 - Hair Loss

RECENT

So, this is my brave start back to losing that ummm . . . 30 pounds (okay, okay - I said maybe more). We will just see how that goes. I want to lose 40 or so. So - lets us see what I can accomplish. If there is something you want me to add or have questions - email me (follow my blog) or comment.


Oh and with this blog you will also, you will be forced to see my family stuff cause I can't handle two blogs.