OCD

This post is going to be all over the place. Can't say I didn't warn you. I'm going to start by saying that I am not a morning person. Combine that with I have two small inside dogs. One of which I inherited. He is a schnoodle. His name is Louie. It is a love/hate relationship. Thank God I sleep in socks. This morning I stepped in a pile of his shit. Thank God we also have hardwood floors. I should have known then that my day was going to be . . . shitty (pun intended).

I have only lost about 3 pounds this week. I know, I know "only 3 pounds". But from a previously anorexic mind - this is a bad, bad thing. THIS is where it starts. It should be 3.5 or 3.8!!! I have worked out every single day. I have logged every single thing I have eaten. Logging every thing I have eaten is turning out not to be such a good idea. I am obsessing about that as well.

While we are on the topic of obsession - I have OCD. Let me tell you - sometimes OCD is a blessing and sometimes it is a curse. This week it has been a curse in several ways. For instance, I have misplaced a bondiband running headband. It is white with bright pink letters that say "I thought they said rum". I like to wear it when I run outside. I can't find it anywhere. I have looked everywhere. I wish I could be like a normal person and just wait until it turned up someplace. NOPE. Instead, I am up at 2:30am looking in the strangest places and getting more and more frustrated because I can't find it. It is literally eating away at me because I can't figure out where it could be. And I HATE (with a passion) when somebody asks "where was the last place you had it". REALLY? If I knew that I would most likely know there flipping headband was. OCD sucks right now.

My closet. I have NO closet space. NONE. But I also have no clothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Really. I am not one of those people who will say I have nothing to wear and really have like a closet full of clothing. I really don't have clothing. I have such a screwed up relationship with my body and food and eating and LIFE that I can't keep clothes in my closet that fit. I am such a fuck up!!! Oh, but I have some really cute shoes. THAT MATTERS. But today, I started to oragnize it and the organizing system collapsed. NICE. Well played universe. Well played.

Then I got to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Nuff Said.

Back at home. Began looking for the damn headband. Couldn't find it. OCD still sucks.

I am anxious tonight. I have that fight or flight feeling again. I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't want to deal with my closet because I don't want to look at the clothes that used to fit and don't. I don't want to think about only having lost 3 pounds this weeks (and having worked my ass off). Seriously. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. I want a job. But I want new clothes. I don't want new clothes until I lose weight. I can't lose weight fast enough. OMG. I wish I could turn my brain off. Any ideas? Pot isn't legal. Damnit!!!